Imposter Syndrome - what it meant for me as a student...

This woman’s an imposter, she’s not meant to be here, she’s not one of us. Have you ever felt like that?

I remember when I first learnt of Imposter Syndrome; it perfectly encapsulated the feelings I had throughout my time at university. I loved my time at uni but I felt wholly out of place and like I was going to get 'found out' at any moment.

I went to Exeter, but I expect my feelings would have been the same at any large, old, prestigious school. I was what the government would now call an 'access' or a 'widening participation' student, because my parents didn’t earn a lot of money. My low socioeconomic background wasn’t (solely) where my imposter syndrome stemmed from; the fact that on my first day some students arrived in Ferraris felt so foreign to me, it didn’t feel relevant enough to worry about.

Where my imposter syndrome really kicked in was in the small stuff. Sometimes it was as simple as terminology. I’d been ‘abroad’ but I’d never ‘traveled’. I’d had ‘summer jobs’ but I hadn’t ‘interned’ (unless you count that compulsory year 9 work experience at the High Street Estate Agent!). I’d done my A-levels at ‘6th form’ not at ‘X-location school’. These conversational potholes had me tripping over my internal anxieties, fearing I’d say something that revealed that I didn’t really belong.

If you’ve seen Pretty Woman (a true Cinderella classic!) where she counts the prongs on the fork at the fancy dinner, I remember feeling that same sinking feeling at my first formal dinner. I longed for a friendly waiter to joke with me and put me at ease, sadly he didn't come. And so, I continued my 'fake it until you make it' approach to life at university.

When I think about those grand old buildings and the sprawling campus grounds, I remember how alien it all felt. Seeing expensive oil paintings adorning the walls, plaques boasting impressive feats of history and world class art seemingly plonked in the middle of well-manicured lawns, it took a long time for it to feel like home. I lived in accommodation that had the ascetic of a prison block (so that kept me grounded!) but I couldn’t shake the feeling that a security guard might pop out from behind a Henry Moore and ask me to justify my presence.

There was a warring duality in my hidden internal struggle, a constant Jekyll and Hyde standoff. On one side, I was proud of myself, proud of where I'd 'come from', and resolute that I'd worked just as hard as anyone else to be there. But, on the other side, I tried to hide things that I thought didn’t fit the 'university mould’; my all to west-country accent, the fact I’d received free-school-meals, or that I had literally no idea what an artichoke was or how to eat it (whenever I see one now, I flash back to some nameless rah scoffing at me for my lack of edible flower knowledge - it's funny what stays with you!).

So, why am I telling you all of this? Am I looking for sympathy? Certainly not. Am I trying to prove how far I've come? No, not really, although the Dr Jekyll in me does remain proud. I'm telling you this because when I was at Exeter, I didn't know who to talk to about all those feelings. I didn't know that it was totally normal, that other students could be feeling the same way and that there was a whole psychological school of thought dedicated to explaining and supporting those types of feelings.

‘Faking it until you make it’ is all well and good but why make life harder for yourself? You have done the work and you are at university. So, take every opportunity that gives you, use every rung of higher education ladder. You might not have arrived in a Ferrari or have a holiday home in St Barts – but if you use your time at university as your springboard, who’s to say you won’t have those things one day (I’m still working towards my Caribbean pied-à-terre!)

You own your story – uni is a chapter of that story – make the most of it - you got this!

Some helpful sites to explore Imposter Syndrome and develop coping mechanisms:

• Elizabeth Cox's TED Ed Talk

• Time Magazine's article 'Yes Imposter Syndrome is real'

• 10 Steps to overcome Imposter Syndrome

#selfacceptance #lifestyle #uni #impostersyndrome